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[personal profile] chataki
Everything is putting me in two minds, so when I'm asked if everything is okay I really just have no idea what to say.


Education-wise... Sometimes I really think I'm about to drop out, but then what would I do? I don't understand where my ambition comes from. I don't even really have an ambition for something in particular, and to top it off I'm not a competitive person, which is very impractical. So why am I putting all this work in? WTF?

I have no particular regrets, and yet I feel like I've done nothing but be wrong about everything since whatever age I've been able to make a sentient decision.

I don't even know what I want to do. I don't have a fucking clue. I just know I can't stand to do nothing. I also have an innate fear of following a beaten path. However, given my line of study and the quality of my grades, I am headed for total mundanity unless I really really have some insane hidden talent that will suddenly solve everything. Sometimes I suddenly develop this passion on one thing and within two weeks it's gone, and I can't remember it. I think I chose my degree on a whim too. Either that or maybe to make my parents feel good.

At the same time I feel terribly unequipped to deal my conflicting views on what I want from my life, talking other than in the work world. I will change my stance on the same thing in the span of a day given a change in context. I can be casually talking about something, and then unpredictably take a completely different angle of thought and develop a deep resentment and disgust, before lapsing into an irritatingly middle-ground discomfort. I had an idea of what I wanted at some point, and I was very happy with that idea. Unfortunately I've forgotten it.

Bun makes me happy. But one person can't be the total happiness of another, can they? That seems too unfair to give that insane task to just one person. If I can't be happy on my own then I can't be completely happy.

I spend most of my mental energy hiding what I'm really thinking, partially because it isn't clear enough to express, partially because I'm not sure if that is what I really think. It's actually really interesting how much time it takes to suppress a thought - not just staying quiet about it, but actually driving it under your other thoughts without letting your mood take a hit on the way.



All routes of thought bring equal dissatisfaction. I'm at the point where I'm playing flash games nonstop just to keep my mind busy and off the subjects of success and recreation. That must be the mother of all procrastination.
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chataki

December 2008

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